I was on the phone with Ronald, a customer support rep for a Fortune 100 company.
I had strategically ordered talking points that presented context and thoroughly (I thought) explained my issue.
“I’m terribly sorry your experience hasn’t lived up to expectations, Mr. Fletcher. Let me see what I can do.”
Ronald’s tone was pleasant enough. But it sounded like he was reading from a script that could have been created for just about any support or service scenario.
As our dialogue continued it became clear that what I was certain had been a crystal clear presentation of my issue had not landed. I took a loud, exasperated breath, and prepared to make another attempt.
Maybe you can relate.
Any Of Us, Anywhere
Circumstances don’t matter much. In personal relationships, with team members, clients, prospects or vendors, from the mundane to the consequential, I am stunned how often the story I’m trying to tell seems to completely miss the mark.
How, when I am so clear about the message, can communication be so difficult?
We won’t get to the bottom of this in one article. But a mental review of communication failures with which I am intimately familiar suggests there are at least three overarching issues worth thinking about.
1. A Shortage of Curiosity
This issue can be due to the presence of (1) an overriding agenda; (2) a preconceived notion; or (3) simply a lack of the inquisitive nature we were born with.
Where an agenda is the primary driver, interactions might be more accurately characterized as debates. In debate the goal of all parties is to ultimately win. And victory is achieved with an attack and destroy approach to (so-called) give-and-take..
Preconceived notions derail connection because they undermine or limit the degree to which parties are able to strive to understand the perspective of the other. This absence of understanding makes it difficult to find common ground.
Curiosity is important because it is the breeding ground for creativity. Without it we are bound to the world we know, and the box of solutions with which we have experience. New challenges call for out-of-the-box thinking. And curiosity that is consistently asking why is where challenges give way to new possibilities.
Dispense with the agenda and preconceived notions while nurturing curiosity and you’re on your way to productive interactions.
2. An Opinion Carved In Stone
Conviction is often manifest in a position that has been cast in stone. Where this exists, the only hope is to find a way to change the conversation. The surest way to create an environment in which this is possible is, in my experience, to demonstrate the absence of a stone tablet when it comes to communicating.
The tough part is that this can feel like (and often is) a one-way street. And before you object, this should not be mistaken for a suggestion that principles or values are up for grabs.
Rather, it is to suggest an openness to explore made possible by a belief that dialogue is where new possibilities are discovered. And the tougher the conversation, the more critical it is to embrace this exploration.
3. Unintentional Selfishness
If you’re sitting across from an individual whose identity (or livelihood) depends on a particular idea or position, you are up against self interest. Your hope for effective communication rests in demonstrating that your only goal is to have productive dialogue. Then lean heavily on the ideas in #1 and #2 — no agenda…nothing carved in stone.
This is easier to suggest than it is to execute. The key is to remember that more often than not, connection is a process…a series of encounters. This is certainly the case when it comes to building relationship.
The minimum acceptable goal for most conversations should be to build a solid bridge to the next conversation. If you believe in your story, sow the seeds that prompt ongoing exploration.
The Borders of Our Communications
Conversation is the fabric of connection. The awkward pauses and messy misspeaks are all part of the soundtrack. Like the composition of a masterpiece, connection requires persistence, practice and creativity.
The payoff is communication. Give up too soon, and we are left with “what might have been.”
Paul Simon, characterizes this as the “dangling conversation” that forms the “borders of our lives.”
We sense the disconnect. Whether with a partner, a family member, a friend or colleague…or even in efforts to market a product or service.
And yes…even in failed attempts to connect with the customer support rep who is bound by his script.
That story continues for me. I’m in the process of trying to change the conversation. Or at least, the context. But that is a story for another article. Today I can report success when it comes to keeping the conversation going.
Because even in the mundane communications of a day, we all want connection