Dear SJ Readers:
After numerous discussions with my mean-ass editor this week, it is with a heavy heart that I am forced to announce that the Friday Funny will be suspended, effective immediately, for at least seven days due to coronavirus concerns.
“But Chris,” you might say, “this is just a blog post chock full of your one-liners, silly zingers, and semi-fictional stories you write each week to make us smile!” I know, I know. This move is not taken lightly and out of an abundance of caution to keep you, the SJ reader, as healthy as possible.
“Um, Chris,” others of you are murmuring, “Viruses don’t spread by reading blog posts!” That’s true. However, look at the seriousness with which other institutions are handling COVID-19. Schools are going online for the remainder of the year. March Madness is going to play out in empty arenas. The NBA has suspended its season indefinitely. Hell, Wrestlemania’s in danger. Something must be done!*
“Now you’re being ridiculous, Chris,” others might say. “Those are public events, and those measures are being taken to protect people through social distancing.” I know. It’s going to be important we all practice social distancing as much as possible while we as a collective group make our way through the coronavirus. So I’m going to not write dumb jokes for at least seven days to make sure I’m properly away from everyone.
“But Chris, you have a duty to write these weekly zingers for us!” I have a family, too, and my first and foremost duty is to them. How am I going to take care of my family if I get the coronavirus from writing these posts? I cannot risk that. You’ll have to wait at least a week. It’s okay, you’ll manage.
It’s important to note we’re tentatively suspending the Friday Funny at SJ for seven days. The suspension could be longer. After all, this is officially a pandemic. I have no idea why this means I can’t buy toilet paper at Kroger, but you’ve got to take that into account. We’ll let you know if and when the suspension is lifted.
Worry not for your humble humorist. I’m personally quite healthy at the present moment and not experiencing even the slightest symptom of coronavirus. However, I’m informed people can go five days without showing symptoms. You and I could have the coronavirus right now, feel healthy, and we’ll be self-quarantined within the week. So it’s important we keep our collective distance to stay healthy and coronavirus-free.
“Chris, we told you already blog posts don’t carry COVID-19!” Yeah, I heard you. Like I said, this is out of an abundance of caution. We have to say healthy and safe.
Thank you all for your patience and understanding in this trying time. We’ll touch base soon. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to see a man about some hand sanitizer.
Best,
—CLS
*Look, it’s The Syllogism!”
**Yes, this is two weeks of me making coronavirus jokes. It’s not my fault; this nonsense keeps getting so ridiculous I have to make fun of it. Besides, who doesn’t love topical humor?
***Have a safe, healthy and coronavirus-free weekend! We’ll see you next Friday!