Despite concerted efforts from local news media, friends, family, and acquaintances, a Grove Park man refuses to freak out about the coronavirus illness sweeping the globe causing numerous cases of illness and death.
Nathan Schultz, 35, a father of two and graphics design artist, was quoted as saying, “I get it, people are worried about the coronavirus thing. I just don’t see a reason to freak out about it especially when I’ve got two clients who need their projects finished by the end of the week.”
When asked about the letters of concern from his children’s school about the coronavirus, Schultz said, “I get they’re worried. I’m glad they’re looking out for the kids. So am I, and right now my biggest worry is making sure my daughter makes basketball practice on time tonight.”
On local news reports discussing the coronavirus death toll and the ease of contracting the coronavirus, Schultz quipped, “You ever hear the words ‘If it bleeds, it leads?’ They want you to be stressed because it means you’ll keep watching and reading their crap. My blood pressure lowered ten points when I stopped paying attention to the news.”
Schultz’s family is absolutely concerned for Nathan’s physical and mental health.
“My husband and I went to the Costco three weeks ago like responsible adults and bought stores of rice and beans for when the grocery stores run out of food,” said Denise, Nathan’s mother. “I keep reminding him to go before it’s too late and you know what he tells me? ‘I’ll just go to Kroger.’ He’s got kids!” Denise remarked tearfully.
Schultz’s longtime friend Vince Russo shares in the concerns.
“Bro, he’s not even carrying hand sanitizer around. I offered him one of my pocket tubes of hand sanitizer and he said ‘I’m good, bro!’” Russo exclaimed. “He’s even still opening doors with his bare hands! I give him a matter of weeks before he’s infected his entire house, bro!”
“Mr. Schultz is working from home right now to ensure his health and safety are a top priority,” said Donald Albright, Schultz’s boss at Tenderfoot Design in a written statement. “We allow all our employees to telecommute in the event of life-threatening pandemics like this. Situations like the coronavirus epidemic are not to be taken lightly.”
“You have any idea how much I’m saving in gas money by not going to the office?” Schultz responded when presented with his boss’s statement. “If Donny Not-So-Bright wants to let me work in my house, wearing my comfy sweatpants, I’ll gladly take him up on it. My paychecks still keep coming in just fine whether I work here or drive.”
Rebecca, Nathan’s wife, remains supportive of her husband’s troubling lifestyle.
“Honestly, I’ve done my reading on the subject, and I think Nate’s attitude is a refreshing one in a world where people demand you get upset or afraid over every little thing,” she said. “We don’t want Alice or Nate Junior to live their lives in fear, and I’m glad Nate is leading our family by example.”
Neighbors are suspicious of the family’s actions in light of the coronavirus problem.
“No one in that family is wearing masks or surgical gloves, and I saw them hugging and kissing each other yesterday,” said Bernice Jones, the Schultz family’s neighbor, from inside her hazmat suit. “I’m normally a live and let live person, but we can’t tolerate behavior like that in civilized society when there’s a public health emergency.”
“I even seen Mr. Schultz drinking Corona Beer on his porch the other day,” Thomas “Skeeter” Jones told this reporter. “How are you NOT going to get the coronavirus if you’re out there literally putting the Coronas in your body?”
When presented with CNN articles showing no conclusive link between the coronavirus and Corona beer, “Skeeter” dismissed them as “fake news” and walked off.
This remains a developing story. We here at Simple Justice will update this post if and when Mr. Schultz does in fact appropriately freak out about the coronavirus like responsible, informed Americans across the country are doing daily.