Prefatory note: I was handed the following text from an intern at Children’s Workshop. The bastards finally did it. They got to Sesame Street.
INTRO WITH GRAPHICS
(notify Standards and Practices of lyric change)
La la, la la, la la, la la, Elmo’s world.
La la, la la, la la, la la, Elmo’s world.
Elmo loves his trans friends, and cis friends too,
That’s Elmo’s world!
INT: ELMO’S ROOM
ELMO: Hi! Welcome to Elmo’s world! Elmo’s so happy to see you today! And so is Elmo’s non-binary goldfish, Dorothy!
CUT TO SHOT OF DOROTHY IN FISHBOWL. CUT TO ELMO.
ELMO: Guess what Elmo’s thinking about today.
DO DO DO DOOO!
ELMO: Toxic masculinity! That’s right. If you identify as a boy, Elmo found out from his teachers you’re bad. If you’re a girl, Elmo knows you’re a good person! Elmo’s still trying to figure out what happens if you’re a trans boy or girl. How can we find out more about toxic masculinity?
DRAWER APPEARS
ELMO: Maybe Drawer has something in it that can teach us about toxic masculinity!
DRAWER STRETCHES OPEN
CUE FIVE MINUTE VO OF ROXANE GAY DISCUSSING TOXIC MASCULINITY WITH STOCK FOOTAGE OF CHILDREN PLAYING.
RETURN TO ELMO’S ROOM.
ELMO: Wow, Elmo had no idea being a boy was so problematic! Good thing Elmo is a monster, and monsters are non-binary. How can we learn more about toxic masculinity?
COMPUTER BOUNCES INTO FRAME
COMPUTER: Elmo has mail! Elmo has mail! Elmo has mail!
ELMO: Oh, Elmo has an email! Come here, silly computer!
COMPUTER STOPS.
COMPUTER: Elmo has mail!
ELMO OPENS HIS EMAIL. WE SEE COOKIE MONSTER. ELMO CLICKS ON EMAIL.
COOKIE MONSTER: Elmo. It is Cookie Monster, coming to say goodbye. Cookie monster went to Hooper’s today and asked the lady at counter for cookie. Lady at counter accused Cookie of misgendering lady-er, man. Cookie Monster now banned from Twitter, Facebook, and YouTube. And Cookie Monster never called the man the other C word, no matter what anyone says. Cookie Canceled. Bye, Elmo.
EMAIL GOES DARK. ELMO FACES CAMERA.
ELMO: Oh, no. Elmo doesn’t want to see his friends canceled. But as we talked about last week, pronouns are very important in Elmo’s world. We still need to talk about toxic masculinity. How can we find out more?
ELMO GOES TO WINDOW.
ELMO: Elmo will ask a Teen Vogue writer. Oh Teen Vogue writer!
WINDOW OPENS. TEEN VOGUE WRITERS ARE DIAGRAMMING ON A WHITE BOARD IDEAS FOR NEW ANAL SEX ARTICLES.
ELMO TURNS IN SHOCK.
ELMO: Elmo just thinks he’s seen something Elmo will never unsee. But how we can we learn more about toxic masculinity?
KNOCK ON DOOR. DOOR OPENS. ENTER SCOTT GREENFIELD.
SHG: How about talking to a man?
ELMO: Nah, toxic men are canceled in Elmo’s world. Bye Bye!
DOOR SLAMS SHUT ON SHG.
ELMO: Elmo can’t stand toxic masculinity so much he wrote a song about it. You can sing along too!
PIANO ROLLS UP. ROXANE GAY, MARY ANNE FRANKS, AND MICHELE DAUBER JOIN ELMO AT PIANO. ELMO PLAYS
All men suck, all men suck,
Alll men suck,
All men suck, all men suck
All men suck!
All men suck, all men suck,
Alll men suuuck,
All men suck, all men suck,
We think all men suck!
ELMO’S MUSIC PLAYS
ELMO: Oh we’ve had such fun learning about toxic masculinity this week! Come back next week when we talk with Elmo’s friend Greta Thunberg about climate change! Unless you’re a man. Men aren’t invited to Elmo’s world anymore. Bye bye! Elmo loves you!
ROLL CREDITS.
Happy Friday, everyone. This actually was a nightmare I had a few days ago, so I thought it best to make all of you endure it.
See you next week!
If you’re still with me, Sunday is my 39th birthday. If I could ask one thing of the Friday Funny readers, it would be to consider helping out an acquaintance of mine with his dream of starting a board game company. Please consider giving to his Kickstarter for Pass The Anthrax if I’ve made you chuckle even once. $8 gives you a cool card game to play with friends and helps a blind guy with limited options do what he loves for a living.